I can't write much here tonight and that's okay 'cause most of the time, even if my entry is LONG, I'm not saying much. I have a script to read and then write a critique for it and hopefully, after some meditative moments staring at this screen and papers filled with notes to myself, find at least a few answers to some of many questions I have regarding my own scripts.
I got the job, by the way. It is a good thing. I felt a calm come over me on the first day as the sensation of "hope" combined with "proof" settled in. And it further dawned on me after I got home, drank a beer in the backyard while talking with Em and admiring our only male cat, Tigger, that I would be able to take care of them (all of them) after all. My concerns (about providing for my children and pets if things deteriorate further with J) were now in better standing. I felt the peace that comes from sensing some control of the situation and not the other way around. A great sensation -- though it was a small rumbling, it felt better than sensing total emptiness and lack.
Now, I'm not completely without reservations. I know the job is not the end of the rainbow and that my "problems" are still as real as my grocery bills and time constraints. First, I have to pass the training, then adhere to the company's standards, ratings and I imagine a probation period, too -- I guess I won't feel safe until someone tells me that I can finally feel "safe." Secondly, though I am training full time, once the kids are back in school and Em is off to college, I will only be able to work part time, so it's not as though I will be bank rolling a whole lot of cash -- but I will be able to stave off further debt. I hope.
But (dare I assume?) if I can make it through all the testing, maybe I can eek out a few more hours while at the same time maintain a consistent writing schedule and deadlines.
The biggest hurdle is how to cope with my sorrow, loneliness and regret. That's where I struggle. In a previous post I made my "Never again list" and I am doing my best to adhere to it, but sometimes it's more comforting to just let the tears flow than to deny them. Still, at unexpected moments my mind recalls how we got here and now, how the hell do we get out of here? It's annoying. It's more than annoying. It's an anger inducing never-ending story of almost the worst order. (The worst is the unceasing struggle in the Middle East -- but that, too, is a never-ending circular argument. I think it's an apt comparison minus the brutal bloodshed). Other than that, my thoughts amplify day in, day out how f-ing lonely I am and how completely alone I am in the effort to solve the puzzle. And after yet another session of pondering a situation that SHOULD be solvable, I throw up my hands knowing (sensing, regrettably sensing) it ain't gonna happen. It just isn't going to budge. Not without a bomb of some sort and man, I am completely unwilling to strap explosives on my body as a means to an end, though the image has crossed my mind.
