September 24, 2006
Just angry at myself today. Nothing new – that is for sure. Take a look at anything I’ve ever written about and it has been the same for the last twenty years. Sadly true, I’ve written about the same murky trouble in my head. How can a person not progress? How is that possible? I moved around a lot, had more than a few dumb jobs (that I couldn’t keep any longer than a year or two). We went to back school, finally got our degrees. Marriage. Children. And yet still,
No progress.
What would be sufficient to me? Would it be money? Is it only money? Is that what I have reduced what matters to me? Is it that I go on, unnoticed? (Oh, okay people notice me when I’m drunk and acting like an asshole, but I hardly think that is what I am talking about now, is it?) What is it that I want? To sell my work? To sell a script? To have people call me, want me, desire me as a pal? To see my work printed in the newspaper? To Act again? To be the center of focus – Geez, that is sick -- if that is what it is. What is it that I feel so empty of? Dear God, what am I searching for and is it ridiculous of me? What, dear God, do you want of me? Is there anything you want of me? Please don’t let me be a waste of your time.
and look here, reader, if you are there, scolding me in your way: I know how lucky and blessed I am, so I don't need the lecture. I lecture myself plenty. I know how blessed I am to have my children, a husband who loves me, to live in a beautiful land. I know how lucky I am to have food on the table, clothes on our backs and our children to be able to go to school. I know how lucky I am. I know. I am grateful. I love the people in my life, they are so beautiful. I know. But it doesn't quell the fire of failure. Worse than failure -- never having really tried. It is to the point, I can't recall what I thought I was.
Jon wants me to go to his employee Halloween Party. He says he thinks it will be his Surprise Going Away Party. Just perfect. I am to attend a drunken bash, where everyone is morphed into some creepy, grotesque, heavily made-up creature, and then, near the end of the evening, after everyone’s makeup is smeared and masks are held by their side, everyone will be called to attention. Glasses and beer bottles held up high as someone says some kind of speech to honor my husband. Some send-off – Cheers to my husband as he ventures away from us to another one of our unknown, barely thought out plans.
Away he goes.
Here I stay.
Dear God, bless the path before him. Make his way clear and free of peril. Amen.
